Brave Face
by SniperKingSogeking0341
Summary: Jyabara is having...issues...I LOVE YOU MANGAPIRATE-CHAN! M for languuage, gore, and suggested rape...


DISCLAIMER: I don't own OP (sadly) nor the poem mentioned…OP is Oda's and the poem is by MangaPirate AKA Trafalgarlawfangirl on DA

I'm gonna rate this M just for Jyabara's language/ amount of gore in his memories/Gore in present time/suggested rape…

_Poem (revised in story, sorry)_

**Thoughts**

Memories

Normal stuff

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_Brave Face_

_By ~Trafalgarlawfangirl_

_"Just a little bit further," I tell myself. I just need to go somewhere I can be alone._

_I'm not sure I'll make it. I can already feel the tears burning in the corners of my eyes._

_Just a little bit further._

_I force myself to walk, because I know that if I run I'll never stop._

_Just a little bit further._

_I try to act normal. I can't let them see me like this._

_Just a little bit further._

_I lock myself in the bathroom and lie on the tiled floor._

_Just a little bit further._

_Only when I know they can't hear me do the tears start flowing. They roll down my cheeks and drip onto the floor. I bit back a scream, because I know they'll come running._

_Just a little bit further._

_I sob quietly to myself and curl up into a ball. I'm disgusted by how pathetic I'm acting._

_Just a little bit further._

_When the tears are done I slowly stand up. My body feels heavy and my head aches. _

_Just a little bit further._

_I breathe deeply until my breath stops shuttering. I wipe the tears from my face and take in the stranger staring back at me in the mirror. "Don't cry," she seems to say._

_Just a little bit further._

_I wash my face with almost boiling water. The water feels so soothing. I take a peek at the mirror. The girl's cheeks are bright red._

_Just a little bit further._

_I dry my face then I wipe the spot where my tears hit the floor. I can't let them see it._

_Just a little bit further._

_I can hear them talking on the other side of the door, in the outside world. I can hear them talking, moving and laughing. My heart fills with longing. _

_Just a little bit further._

_I press my forehead against the door, my eyes too dry for tears. I look at the girl in the mirror. "Why so sad?" she asks. _

_Just a little bit further._

_"I don't know," I tell the girl. _

_Just a little bit further._

_I take a deep breath. I can't let them know this ever happened._

_Just a little bit further._

_I put on a mask and hide behind it;_

_No one knows my true face but me;_

_I'll smile and laugh and pretend that everything's fine;_

_But deep down I can't stop screaming;_

_When one face is laughing;_

_The other is crying;_

_I fear the day;_

_When my mask finally slips;_

_And everyone sees my true face;_

_The monster crawling under my skin;_

_I can't let them see me like that;_

_It would break their hearts;_

_Maybe one day they'll see;_

_I wonder what they'd think of me?_

_So until that day comes;_

_I'll keep my mask on tight;_

_"Just walk a little further," the girl says to me, "can't you see the end?" _

_She tells me this because I know that even in the darkest tunnels, there's always a ray of light._

_Until I reach the end and am engulfed in light, I'm putting on a brave face_

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_"Just a little bit further," I tell myself. I just need to go somewhere I can be alone._

I slowly walk out of the room where the others are waiting for Lucci to wake his dumb ass up…

Just a bit further down the hall is the bathroom…

_I'm not sure I'll make it. I can already feel the tears burning in the corners of my eyes._

_Just a little bit further._

_I force myself to walk, because I know that if I run I'll never stop._

_Just a little bit further._

_I try to act normal. I can't let them see me like this._

_Just a little bit further._

I grit my teeth, feeling the tears caused by both memories and my current feelings well up **'Damn it! Don't start to cry now, you stupid shithead!'** I yell at myself…

The wolf tells me to run, hunt, kill, to block out these human feelings…He's made the offer before and as always I never take it…I learned early on that no one could control the wolf if he took over me completely…Not even my friends…Kaku still had scars from the last time…

I gotta act as normal as possible and being a CP9 agent has made it easier for me to control my emotions than the average person…To a degree…I quicken my pace and I see my goal just ahead…

_I lock myself in the bathroom and lie on the tiled floor._

_Just a little bit further._

_Only when I know they can't hear me do the tears start flowing. They roll down my cheeks and drip onto the floor. I bit back a scream, because I know they'll come running._

_Just a little bit further._

_I sob quietly to myself and curl up into a ball. I'm disgusted by how pathetic I'm acting._

_Just a little bit further._

I dart into the bathroom and lock the door, pressing my back against it…Once I was sure that no one could see or hear me I let the tears start…the damned wolf tried taking that as a moment of weakness and attempted to take over…I managed to hold him back by biting down on my own arm…HARD…

Blood joined the tears on the floor as I sobbed, the noise muffled by my arm…

I curl up…I keep seeing them instead of Lucci…I keep hearing the sounds of my cries both then and now…

I had been playing with my friends when a shadow loomed over us and something smashed into the side of my head…A fist…

I sat up, blood trickling down my face as I stare up terrified of the one man I ever feared: my own father… 

_When the tears are done I slowly stand up. My body feels heavy and my head aches. _

_Just a little bit further._

Once I was finished crying I get up, cautiously removed my arm from my mouth…I feel vaguely like I have a major hangover…

"Dad" had locked me in the basement…I knew it was hopeless to try and escape…The windows were barred and the locks could only be opened from the outside…

He came in drunk and spewing curses about how "some slut refused to do her fucking job and fuck him" and shit like that…

Next thing I know he's on top of me and he's doing something to my ass that hurts and I can feel something trickling down my legs…

Once he's done he lets me go and, wearing what remains of my pants, I run…

_I breathe deeply until my breath stops shuttering. I wipe the tears from my face and take in the stranger staring back at me in the mirror. "Don't cry," he seems to say._

_Just a little bit further._

_I wash my face with almost boiling water. The water feels so soothing. I take a peek at the mirror. The boy's cheeks are bright red._

_Just a little bit further._

Raggedly I breathe in and out hoping that my outburst went unnoticed…

I wipe off the tears and blood on my cheeks and stare at the person in the mirror over the once clean white sink.

I try to think of the person I see in the mirror as someone else…

He has long black hair, tanned skin, a slightly hooked nose, as well as signs of recently healed burns on his face and exposed chest, and a scar that crosses over his left eye.

He stares sadly back at me and his look tells me, **"Don't cry…Don't worry too much about it Jya… It's just a bit further…" **

I turn the hot water on and wash my face. The water's so hot it scalds my already burned face but it feels good in a painful way.

I glance up at the guy in the mirror. His cheeks are now a bright cherry red compared to the rest of his skin.

"Just a bit further Jya! Come on! If we hurry we can get first dibs on lunch!" an 11 year old Kaku calls over his shoulder at me.

I laugh and race him not knowing that 7 years from now Kaku would be gone for 5 years…

_I dry my face then I wipe the spot where my tears hit the floor. I can't let them see it._

_Just a little bit further._

_I can hear them talking on the other side of the door, in the outside world. I can hear them talking, moving and laughing. My heart fills with longing. _

_Just a little bit further._

_I press my forehead against the door, my eyes too dry for tears. I look at the boy in the mirror. "Why so sad?" he asks. _

_Just a little bit further._

_"I don't know," I tell the boy. _

_Just a little bit further._

I dry my face with a paper towel, the scratchy material making my cheeks a tiny bit redder. Then I wipe away the tears I left on the floor as well as on the sink plus any blood that ended up on the floor/sink.

"**Can't let them see…Lucci's concerning them enough…Don't need to add to it…" **I thought as I cleaned up the tears.

I could hear not only the others laughing but the nurses, the doctors, everyone but me was having fun.

I wanna join in...but it hurts to…

Then again…it also hurts to listen…

I look at the boy, leaning my forehead against the mirror, my nose almost touching the glass.

"**Why are you so sad Jya?"** He seems to ask.

I shake my head and reply out loud "I dunno…"

Just a bit longer is all I need…

_I take a deep breath. I can't let them know this ever happened._

_Just a little bit further._

_I put on a mask and hide behind it;_

_No one knows my true face but me;_

_I'll smile and laugh and pretend that everything's fine;_

_But deep down I can't stop screaming;_

_When one face is laughing;_

_The other is crying;_

_I fear the day;_

_When my mask finally slips;_

_And everyone sees my true face;_

_The monster crawling under my skin;_

_I can't let them see me like that;_

_It would break their hearts;_

_Maybe one day they'll see;_

_I wonder what they'd think of me?_

_So until that day comes;_

_I'll keep my mask on tight;_

_"Just walk a little further," the boy says to me, "can't you see the end?" _

_He tells me this because I know that even in the darkest tunnels, there's always a ray of light._

_Until I reach the end and am engulfed in light, I'm putting on a brave face_

I shakily inhale before breaking into a smile that doesn't reach my eyes.

I put on a mask of arrogance, of a casual attitude, of carelessness, of happiness.

No one can see what's underneath.

I made that mistake once and my heart was shattered in the end.

Vaguely I wonder how Kaku and the others would react if they knew…

Or even if they already know…

I can't let them see the beast inside…The THING that is me and yet isn't…

Maybe someday I'll let someone see me…But for now I'll keep my mask on…

"**It's just a little bit farther…Can't you see the end there Jyabara**?" The boy tells me pointing at a faint light in the distance.

I nod and this time my smile reaches my eyes.

I'll keep my mask on…

Until I reach the light that is…

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FIN!

*big kisses* Love ya MangaPirate~! :D


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